Affairs by Moonlight
by dreamingfate
Summary: Written as Hon3ypie. Kakashi loses his memory on a mission that should have cost him his life. There is one thing he feels compelled to remember above all else...Kakashi/Iruka, explicit yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

A few years back I had a different alias, a different obsession and (from my perspective at least) a different style of writing.

I wrote three stories for the Kakashi/Iruka pairing as Hon3ypie: these are they (the other two will be added shortly). I have largely resisted my temptation to re-write/edit, as people liked what they were.


	2. Chapter 2

Iruka let out a long sigh and slumped against the frame of the classroom window, watching the moonlight play on the ripples of the water feature just outside. The day had been long and busy, with classes and students and endless paperwork, but none of it seemed to offer distraction enough from the fact that Naruto was gone. Gone, to return a young man. Iruka thought of the changes the boy had already been through, re-lived his journey from social pariah to bold, cheerful child with a life full of friends. A smile crossed his features, but it was a sad one. After helping Naruto grow, the time had come too soon for him to sit back and watch.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice the shadowed figure that slipped past the classroom door, lingering outside it. The door squeaked open and caught him off-guard, making him jolt and jerk round expecting to see one of his students wanting a forgotten piece of kit, expression shifting from scalding to surprise when he realised who it was.

"Kakashi-sensei?" He offered.

"Sorry to interrupt your emotional wallowing, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi said coolly, closing the door behind him.

Iruka gave him a sharp look and returned to the window. "Was that an attempt at sympathy?"

"You're not the only one who'll miss him, you know."

Iruka remained silent, eyes fixed on the shimmering pool. "I know." He said eventually. "I expect everyone in the village will, in some way."

Kakashi appeared at his side and leant back against the wall on the other side of the window. His movement across the room had been entirely soundless. He regarded Iruka with his one uncovered eye until the other man became uncomfortable and looked away. There might have been the faintest blush lighting his tanned skin, but Kakashi couldn't be sure.

"You are aware he's with a sannin, right?"

"That fact doesn't mean I won't worry."

"You're so over-protective."

Iruka glared at him, though he knew it was true. "Don't push it." He growled, moving away from the window to perch on his desk.

Kakashi watched him go. "These kids are going to grow up to be _shinobi_, Iruka-sensei. Life is tough. If you always wait until they're ready for things they'll have no idea how to push themselves under stress."

Iruka had to concede that much, but didn't give Kakashi any indication. At any rate, he wasn't in the mood. "If you're going to be an ass and push at me for your amusement, you can get out of my classroom."

Kakashi slipped his hands into his pockets and started towards the door.

"Just thought I might be able to pull you out of your depressive reverie with some 'perspective'." He laid a hand on Iruka's shoulder as he passed, giving it a slight squeeze. "See you around."

Iruka caught Kakashi by the arm as the grip on his shoulder loosened, fingers curling gently into the warm fabric. "Um," He started, opening his mouth to say more without having anything else to follow it.

"Hm?" Kakashi offered, slightly surprised by Iruka's sudden grasp.

"Thanks," He said, studying his sandals and relinquishing Kakashi's arm. Their gazes met again, and Iruka smiled, muttering: "I need a reality check from time to time."

Kakashi's eye smiled. Iruka wondered for a moment what his lips might look like. "You're too soft on them. That's why the kids love you so much, Iruka-sensei."

"Well, I don't know about that," He muttered, scratching the back of his head.

Kakashi caught his hand, watching Iruka's face as his blush spread and deepened. There was no resistance in his wrist, no tension in his shoulder.

The first kiss was barely a kiss at all, more a gentle brushing of lips. Iruka hadn't even noticed Kakashi slip his mask down before the encounter, and stared at the other man in shocked and embarrassed surprise. He felt the need to speak, but for the second time that evening no words would come. He looked over at his hand, to Kakashi's fingers curled warmly, gently round to his palm. Then Kakashi's lips were at his again, soft and full.

Iruka didn't resist, but didn't reciprocate either. Kakashi wondered whether he was too shocked to respond either way.

"O..Oi," Iruka managed against his lips. Kakashi pulled away slightly, trying to read the man's expression. "You kissed me..."

Iruka could still feel it lingering on his mouth; that warmth, that unexpectedly tender contact. Kakashi said nothing, gave nothing away. His expression was just as difficult to read without the mask in the way, though infinitely better to look at.

Kakashi noticed Iruka's gaze wander to his lips, and took the opportunity to kiss him again. Iruka put out a hand to stop his advances, but Kakashi caught and removed the obstacle, sliding his free arm around the other man's waist and pulling him in close. To his amusement, not only did Iruka offer little resistance, but also closed his eyes as though waiting for the next kiss to fall. The expression on his face was a deliciously confused mixture of annoyance, embarrassment and want.

_It wouldn't be so bad. The kiss felt good. There's no harm in allowing it to go a little further. Maybe more. It's been a while since anyone got this close. __**No, I can't! Especially not here! Especially not in the classroom! What if someone sees! He's probably doing this as a joke.**__ And if he's not? What's the harm in seeking solace in another consenting adult, another human being, even if only for tonight? __**That's probably all he wants from me.**__ And what if that's all that I want from him? To just relax a little tonight in someone else's company, without guilt, to quiet the busy parts of my mind with pleasure, if only for a while. I've heard he's good. My body is needy…__**He's kissing me again. How much should I allow? His tongue into my mouth? His fingers beneath my shirt or below my waist?**__ Whatever feels good. This feels good. I want more. _

Iruka shuddered as Kakashi's tongue traced a warm, wet line from his jaw to his collar bone. Kakashi felt Iruka's fingers slide into his hair, grasp closing on the long strands and tugging them gently. He opened his eyes fractionally and watched the man who was kissing him deeply, with his eyebrows furrowed in guilty ecstasy. Kakashi broke away, delighting in the disappointment that flickered momentarily across Iruka's face before he reined in his outward desires. Using first his fingertips and then his body, Kakashi pinned him against the blackboard, taking his wrists and holding them above his head. Iruka let out a gasp as he felt Kakashi's weight against him, but made no attempt to free himself from the grip. Suddenly, the blood flushing Iruka's cheeks was not the problem anymore. Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

"Reflexes worthy of a Jounin, Iruka-sensei." Iruka turned his face away in embarrassment, but Kakashi slipped a finger under his chin and brought it back in line with his, pressing his groin into Iruka's thigh to reveal the true meaning of the comment. "I'd know, after all."

Iruka leaned forward to press his lips against Kakashi's, but the other man moved out of his reach, a wide grin stretched over his perfect features.

"So this is just a sick joke?" Iruka said flatly, beginning to twist in Kakashi's grip. The grin vanished, and Kakashi apologised with a deep and passionate kiss, biting on Iruka's bottom lip playfully and causing the object of his affections to shudder uncontrollably.

_ I can't take this any longer. Strip me, bite me, lick me **stop!** please me **I shouldn't!** til I don't feel anything but you._

Kakashi shifted his grip on Iruka's wrists so that he could hold them with one hand. The free hand slowly unzipped first his vest and then Iruka's, sliding under the shirt to touch the soft dark skin beneath.

_ Goddamn he's delicious under this,_ Kakashi thought, trailing his fingertips over Iruka's lithe muscular torso up to his nipples, circling but not touching as they kissed again.

_ Please…_

Fingers trailing southwards, nails pressing into firm skin.

_ Please…Ah!_

Hand at his groin, massaging his erection through strained trousers.

_ More…_

Kakashi released his hold on Iruka's wrists and looked at his flushed, expectant face.

"Is this too much?" He purred, still palming Iruka's groin. "If you want me to stop, say so now."

Iruka leaned his head back against the blackboard and kept his gaze fixed on Kakashi, saying nothing. Kakashi leaned in and licked over the scar crossing Iruka's nose, before starting to slip to his knees, their gazes still locked. Iruka's eyes widened as he realised Kakashi's intentions, and he caught the jounin by the collar of his vest.

"Hah..I…I don't know..."

Kakashi uncurled Iruka's fingers and took two of them into his mouth, surrounding them in moist warmth, tongue flicking and exploring their contours as his lips moved along and then back all the way down to the palm. The thought of those sensations elsewhere made Iruka breathless. Kakashi flashed him a look of conviction as he removed the fingers from his mouth with a hard suck.

"I'll focus from now on Iruka-sensei." He whispered, turning his attention to the straining trousers by his face, tearing away the layers separating him from Iruka's erection and wrapping his lips around it. There was a dull thud as Iruka's head jerked backwards against the blackboard, his body responding to the sudden coursing pleasure. He put a hand to his mouth to stifle his moans, the fingers of the other entangling themselves in Kakashi's thick hair. Every movement, every sensation was perfect, bringing him closer and closer to the brink.

"_St..o..p_" He whispered, his grip tightening in Kakashi's hair and slowing the other man's movements. Kakashi slowly played his tongue along Iruka's shaft, paying particular attention to the very tip.

"Why should I?" He asked.

"Because if you don't stop I'll come…"

"What exactly did you think was the point of this exercise Iruka-sensei? I want to make you come."

It began again, that enveloping, driving pleasure, his body begging his mind to relinquish control and accept the sweet caresses. Finally, Iruka gave in completely.

"Wa-…wait…"

Kakashi increased the speed and fervour of his movements, and was rewarded as Iruka moaned what he was waiting for.

"…coming…Ah! Kakashi-senAHH!"

Iruka's body shuddered as the orgasm spread through him, but Kakashi kept his position and rhythm, supporting and pushing him through it. As Iruka's body settled, Kakashi stood and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. To his surprise, Iruka locked his arms around his shoulders and drew him into a deep kiss. He felt Iruka's hands slip underneath the shoulders of his vest and peel it from his body, letting it fall to the floor. The chuunin stepped out of his trousers, flicking them away followed by his sandals. Kakashi stripped off Iruka's remaining layers and poured his eyes all over the figure of the naked man before him, standing prone and flushed against the blackboard. He freed himself of his own clothes and they stood naked together. The dissenting and noisy parts of Iruka's mind no longer had any protest as Kakashi pressed their bodies together. The chuunin wrapped his legs around the jounin's waist and was turned and spread over his desk, sending papers and stationary clattering to the classroom floor.

Kakashi parted Iruka's thighs and climbed onto the desk between them, pulling the tie from the man's hair where it now held only the longest, most resistant strands. He traced his tongue across Iruka's chest, flicking at his aroused nipples, biting his way up to the man's lips. Their tongues met, gliding and pushing as Iruka pulled Kakashi in closer, tighter. He played a fingertip over Iruka's opening, begging to be allowed to slip inside.

They both froze as the classroom light flickered off.

"The lights are out in the hall and outside too, it's probably a power cut." Kakashi purred, pressing his teeth into Iruka's neck, urging him to relax back into the moment. "I don't sense anyone nearby, do you?"

"No,"

Before his eyes could adjust to the darkened room, Iruka was bathed only in the sensations of Kakashi's caress, exploring and delving into places in ways he'd never been touched before. He'd expected slight pain and discomfort, but was unprepared for the overriding pleasure, his back arching suddenly in response. Kakashi misinterpreted this as displeasure and began to withdraw his fingers until Iruka corrected him. This time it was the jounin with the deep, spreading blush.

"Does this feel good?"

Iruka nodded, biting down hard on Kakashi's bottom lip.

"Touching the deep inside of you makes me want to lose control," He laughed, softly.

Iruka let his arms fall limp against the desk, gazing into the face of the man lying between his legs.

"Do it." Hearing himself say the words made his cheeks flush with colour again, and Kakashi kissed them softly as he pushed inside. Iruka pressed his fingernails into Kakashi's muscular back as he started to move.

"Is this okay?" He whispered, flicking his hips gently.

_ There is nothing else in the world but this feeling…Oh God so good I had no idea…please, more…I feel it again already…_

Iruka replied with a small nod, and slid his hands down to the small of Kakashi's back, pressing encouragingly. Kakashi increased the speed of his thrusts, drawing stifled moans from Iruka.

_ He feels far too good, I don't know how long I can hold back. I'm not sure how things go with men, but he seems pretty aroused again already…This went better than I could have imagined._

Iruka's hands were firm against his back, willing him to go faster, harder. Both of their faces were pricked with sweat, glowing in the moonlight streaming through the classroom window.

_More, a little more…_

_ Just hold on a little longer._

"Sorry! I'm…Hah!"

Iruka's eyes snapped open and stared into Kakashi's with blushed intensity as he began to tense again, his legs and arms holding and gripping for dear life, feeling the white hot electricity centre once again on his groin and spread down into his thighs. Then his body relaxed, dripping in sweat and exhausted.

_ I can't hold it, it feels too good with you all over me now._

"Iruka-sensei…"

"Hmm…?"

"Can I come…inside you…"

"...yes..."

Iruka watched Kakashi intently as his eyes rolled back and his face contorted in orgasm, shouts of ecstasy piercing through the darkness of the silent classroom. Both men lay panting and entangled, beads of sweat beginning to dry on their hot skin. Iruka ran his fingers through Kakashi's damp hair as he lay against his chest listening to the heartbeat as it slowed.

_That rhythm, his warmth, the gentle rising and falling of his chest…I could easily forget the world and sleep here forever.** What am I thinking? I got what I came for, it's time to get up and get out.** Just a little longer…please…**And put ridiculous notions in his head?! I won't give him any more than this, so it's time to leave. It was a good fuck, leave it at that.**_

Kakashi withdrew and climbed down from the desk to where his clothes lay, and began to dress. Iruka propped himself up on his elbows and watched the other man prepare to leave.

_** So that was all he was interested in.**_

He lay back down on the desk feeling slightly disappointed that his lover wished to leave so soon afterwards.

_ That's fine, it's probably better this way anyway._

Kakashi shot Iruka a guilty glance, which lingered as he poured over the figure of the other man sprawled over his own teacher's desk, naked and spent, bathed in silver moonlight.

_**Get out.**_

"Thank you Kakashi-sensei." Iruka whispered. Before he left, Kakashi bent and kissed Iruka gently one last time, then disappeared back into the silvery dark of the night.

The next day after school, a number of the students had remarked to their parents that Iruka-sensei seemed slightly distracted, and had spent most of classroom lessons in a fixed but inexplicable perma-blush.

-b-

It was bugging him. It had been bugging him all day. The question had been simple enough.

_ "Who was your best?"_

He had pretended not to hear it, tucked behind the Icha Icha Paradise novel as the other men began their discussion to while away the dead time during the mission. They had continued in lurid detail until the man who'd started the conversation had realised that Kakashi hadn't offered any input. He had refused initially until they baited him and wouldn't leave him in peace, at which point he'd given in and detailed a night spent with a woman he didn't know on a mission years before. But it had been a lie. There had been only one affair in his entire life of which he could recall every detail and had re-lived most, and not just because it was the most recent.

_ Silver-kissed muscular body and soft tanned skin. Fingers tight in his hair. Hands firm on his back, urging him to go faster, harder._

Of all his conquests, he hadn't expected that one to be the best. There were women he'd pursued for weeks, and they hadn't been as rewarding as that opportunistic encounter with a man? He had excused himself from the group once the mission was completed, headed to the seedier part of the town and found himself an attractive rent boy. If he was gay, that was fine. But things didn't get past kissing before he broke it off, payed his way and made a swift exit. His mind was swimming with it as he powered silently through the trees back towards Konoha. He was so lost in his thoughts that he only noticed the chakra at the last moment, almost losing balance in the dimming light as he brought himself to an abrupt stop against a thick branch.

He stood up slowly, turning to meet the gaze of the other man who was seemingly in the process of picking something from his sandal. Iruka lowered his foot and dropped the removed irritant as he stared across at Kakashi. Kakashi stared back. Iruka felt like he should say something to break the silence, opening his mouth a fraction before closing it again and sealing it by biting his lip.

No words passed between them, but they spoke to one another nonetheless.

Kakashi jumped with ease to the branch Iruka was standing on, looking the other man up and down. Iruka was unable to look away, feeling his cheeks prick with colour and his heartbeat quicken.

_ Seeing him again makes me remember how good it was…_Kakashi thought, closing the distance between them. Iruka stood motionless, watching him. _So tense, Iruka-sensei._

_ I can see the shape of his lips under that mask. I want them on mine. **I can't! Once was bad enough.** Shut up. I've spent my whole life feeling guilty about pleasure._

Iruka reached up with both hands and slowly pulled Kakashi's mask down until it was below his chin. Kakashi's lips parted slowly as Iruka kissed them, then Kakashi's hands were on him, pushing him roughly against the trunk of the tree as they kissed deeply. Iruka's hands roamed around Kakashi's body, settling at his groin and tugging at his zip. Kakashi took the man's fumbling hands and helped him undo it, leading his touch inside. Iruka blushed hard as he felt Kakashi's erection, moving his fingers along it. Kakashi broke from the kiss to breathe hard into Iruka's neck, concentrating on the feeling of his wandering hands. Suddenly, Kakashi pulled Iruka's hands away and turned him around to face the tree, pushing down and forcing his trousers to the floor. Iruka gasped as Kakashi massaged his groin, digging his nails into the tree.

_ I want him inside me..I need him inside me.._

_ His scent. His touch. His tongue. I remember why it was so good…_

Kakashi fumbled in one of his vest pockets for a small vial, spreading the contents over his fingers and then his erection. Iruka braced himself against the tree and looked over his shoulder at the other man to see what he was doing.

"What's that?" He asked.

"It's lube." Kakashi replied. "Is that OK?"

Iruka nodded, and awaited his touch. Kakashi reached around and began moving a hand along Iruka's shaft, the fingers of the other slipping inside him. The sudden warm pleasure made him gasp.

"How does it feel?" Kakashi whispered into his neck.

"…feels good.."

_ I feel like I could come from just this…**Don't do this again.** Why not? He wants to, I want to…Where is this is going? **The closer I get the more it'll hurt.** I don't care if it ends here. Just once more…just once more…_

_ Just once more will be enough. I want each moment, each touch, your taste, your smell, all of it. I need to get you out of my head, Iruka-sensei. Please…_

Iruka strained as Kakashi entered him, uttering a small moan as the stinging sensation pricked his eyes with tears. But as Kakashi began to move, it was every bit as good as before.

_ Who is this person that takes over me when I'm with you? Were they inside me all along, waiting for something like this, bound and gagged and forgotten? You've released something in me, something that craves your presence, your touch, your movement, this ecstasy…and I can't forget it, even after you're gone. **This was what I was afraid of**…but it feels so good I can't resist any of it. I'm not ashamed of wanting it any more. How much will you give me, Kakashi-sensei?_

"Stop…" Iruka put his hand on top of Kakashi's, halting his movement.

"It's okay if.."

"No, not yet."

_ His face..I can't see it in this light. I want to see your expression Iruka-sensei._

"We should move to the ground, it'll be easier."

The grass felt soft and inviting as Kakashi sat down, pulling Iruka on top of him. The chuunin slid down slowly, taking all of him in and grasping and pulling at his vest as Kakashi moved his hips from beneath.

"I'm close." Iruka uttered into the other man's lips, gripping him tighter as he edged towards the brink of orgasm. "But I don't want to get it all over you…"

"Don't care."

"I'm coming…"

_ Yes, show me that face again, it turns me on so badly I can't bear it._

Before Iruka could recover, Kakashi flipped him onto his back and was moving inside him again, thrusting fast and deep. When he came, the orgasm was so hard that he bit down on Iruka's shoulder, enough to draw blood though he didn't mean to. Iruka responded to the pain by dragging his nails up Kakashi's back, which only made him bite harder. Afterwards, Kakashi kissed the mark he'd left and apologised. To his surprise, Iruka just let out a soft laugh and kissed him, and all was forgiven. They lay together, fingers interlocked and half-undressed, panting into the dark night. Kakashi sat up and removed his vest, covering them both as he lay his chin in the crook of Iruka's neck.

_ It feels different…deeper somehow…_Kakashi thought lazily as he drifted into sleep._ **Get up! Get up!** No…_

_ He can't be serious…we can't sleep in the forest…or together…we shouldn't…don't fall in love with him don't fall in love with him_

The bright moon drifted slowly overhead as they slept in one another's arms, a silent witness to a secret affair.

In the morning Iruka had left before Kakashi woke, and he felt a pang of disappointment until he noticed the clothes he'd shed the night before folded and piled guiltily at his side.

-b-

"…and so I told her that if she didn't watch her mouth I'd have something to put in it…"

"Ha, uhuh…"

Despite all his best efforts he was having trouble keeping an interest in the conversation, instead letting his mind wander along various convoluted paths.

_ What was she talking about when I stopped listening? I don't even remember now. I wonder if it's impolite to get another drink when she's only half-way through hers…_

He scolded himself and began listening afresh, but it wasn't long before he was thinking over battle tactics from the previous mission. It wasn't that the place was too noisy or that she was dull, and it certainly wasn't that she was unattractive, but she was just lacking something that would give him reason to concentrate.

_ Think about the words she's saying, concentrate on their meaning…_

The deep voice of a large-sounding shinobi cut into his thoughts from somewhere in the bar behind.

"Oi, Iruka-sensei! Over here!"

_ Iruka-sensei_

"Hey, hey, don't get over-excited. Ugh you lot reek of alcohol already, there's no way I'm playing catch-up."

"Don't be such a stiff Iruka-sensei!" A different man, slighter, judging by the sound of his voice. "We can't have you be the only one who can remember all the embarrassing things that are bound to happen."

"Sake!" A woman from the same group demanded. "Your round, Iruka sensei!"

"Eehh?! Pfft, fine."

If Kakashi listened hard enough he could pick out from the general rabble the sounds that were Iruka's movement; floorboard creaks in the rhythm of his step, rustlings as fabrics brushed against one another.

"…but then oh, you won't believe this…" His date continued, oblivious.

_ Will she notice if I peek round the edge of the booth? **To see Iruka-sensei.** …yes. **That's in the past now. That affair was too dangerous, concentrate on the present.** I bet she'd be nothing compared to **in the past in the past! Leave it there!**_

Kakashi stood. "Excuse me for a moment. Would you like another drink?"

"Nope, I'm doing fine with this one thanks." She smiled.

_** I should leave it. There's nothing to be gained by going back there.**_

Kakashi slipped through the thronging bar, making his way past the merry punters towards the bathrooms.

_** He's not even there. Forget it. **There he is._

Iruka was waiting patiently by the bar, his back to Kakashi, chatting to another teacher. The people around the bar were more densely packed, and he apologised as he pushed through them.

_** And do what when I get there? Why can't I leave him alone?**_

All the drunkenness and hubbub of the crowd melted away as his target was selected. In his mind there was only the two of them, all other merry revellers becoming merely obstacles and cover as he closed in. As he passed he nodded politely to Iruka and the man he was speaking to, slowly tracing unseen fingers along the line under where Iruka's buttock met his thigh. Replacing his hand in his pocket, he continued towards the bathroom without looking back.

The other man remarked on Iruka's sudden blush, and he dismissed it by blaming the heat of the bar. The man also noticed Iruka's lingering look in the direction Kakashi had taken, but thought better of mentioning it.

As Kakashi returned to his date, Iruka had been served and had gone to stand with the group of shinobi he'd heard him talking to before. Some were fairly rowdy by now.

A man emerged from the crowd before Kakashi had reached his table and took him by the arm.

"Kak-shi-san! Long time no see, after you abandoned us at the end of that mission! You should have stuck around and sampled the delights, if you know what I mean!" The man was obnoxiously loud and smelled heavily of drink.

"Eh? Oh yeah, perhaps." He said, quickly relieving himself of the man's grip.

At the periphery of his vision he noticed that the loud shinobi had drawn Iruka's gaze in their direction. As he moved to meet it, the chuunin gave him a small smile and a discrete nod.

"Come over here and sit with us! Come on! We'll get you some sake."

He craned his neck to see if his date was still around, and was relieved to see someone else had already started talking to her in his place. He stood with the men for a while, listening to their idle drunken chatter and sipping slowly on his sake, occasionally exchanging charged glances with the man across the room. One of the men in the group drew him into a heated debate about nothing in particular, and when he looked up Iruka was gone. He scanned the room and the ever-growing crowd, worried that he was too late and the other man had already left until his eyes settled on that familiar figure, standing alone at the bar. Kakashi slipped away from the group of men and appeared beside him, leaning his elbows and back against the bar top.

"Hey."

"Hi." Iruka replied levelly, attempting to ignore Kakashi's seductive pose.

"What're you drinking?"

Iruka glanced down and let out a small laugh. "Water now. Beer for them." He nodded in the direction of his friends.

"That's very under-handed, Iruka-sensei. Don't you want to get drunk?"

"I've had enough for tonight. Do you want a drink?"

Kakashi grinned under his mask. "I'll get a sake, if you're buying."

"Tsk, freeloader." Iruka teased.

Once he had been served, Iruka delivered numerous carefully-balanced bottles of beer to impatient drinkers before returning to the bar for his own drink.

Kakashi placed a cool, gloved hand on Iruka's bare forearm as he took his drink in hand. "Won't you drink with me a while, Iruka-sensei?" He said, pulling down his mask.

"But if people see us together…"

"They'll think what? Just two friends sharing a drink. They have no reason to think anything more." Kakashi poured Iruka a drink from the sake bottle.

"Hey, I've stopped…"

"Get it while it's warm!" Kakashi smiled as he rested the vessel against his lips and poured the sweet wine into his mouth, swilling it before swallowing deeply. Iruka reluctantly followed suit.

"You shouldn't be so openly flirtatious in public, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi studied the warm liquid in his cup, running it round the sides.

"I doubt anyone would notice even if I kissed you right now Iruka-sensei." He said, leaning his head towards the other man's shoulder, looking out at the oblivious rabble. Iruka gave him a suspicious look. "Of course I wouldn't, if you're not comfortable."

He took another sip and lifted himself up from the bar, moving as though he was stretching fatigued arm muscles. As he brought them down, his fingers brushed Iruka's cheek lightly. Iruka glanced around, embarrassed, at the drunken faces behind, but no one had seen anything.

"See, I told you so." Kakashi whispered triumphantly into Iruka's ear before he picked up his fresh cup of sake and moved off to the group of men he'd been with before. Iruka stayed at the bar for a moment to gather his thoughts after the sensation of Kakashi's hot mouth so close to his ear, then re-joined his friends. Once he'd finished his drink, trying his hardest not to look over at the silver-haired jounin, Iruka bade farewell to the lairy group and made to leave. They didn't let him go quietly though, various members grabbing and hugging him, deriding him for leaving so early and not drinking nearly enough. As he moved through the crowd towards the door he shot a quick glance back in Kakashi's direction, heart sinking when he saw him talking closely with an attractive brunette, stroking her hair.

_** Did I mean nothing to you? Perhaps I was just something to break the boredom between missions. I made it so easy for you.**_

_ Why'd she have to find me again? I thought I'd offloaded her already. Her hair keeps getting in my face. Where did Iruka-sensei go? Did he leave and I missed it? Shit!_

He excused himself from her company for the second time that night, making his way over to Iruka's friends to ask them where he'd gone.

"Oh yeah, he left about five minutes ago." Replied the most lucid group member. "Why'd you ask?"

"Thanks." Kakashi said simply, avoiding the second part of the reply.

He pushed through the bar and out, where people had overflowed into the street. Leaving the bar behind, he pulled his mask up and hopped easily onto the rooftop, running in the direction of Iruka's house. Eventually a figure came into view and he dropped down behind him noiselessly.

"It's dangerous to go walking around on your own in the dark, you know."

"It is with you around." Iruka replied, without stopping.

Kakashi took him by the shoulders and span him round, looking into his face. "Hey, that's mean!" He said in a hurt tone.

The other man shrugged off Kakashi's grip and continued on his way home. He decided to follow, scuffing his heels through the dirt like a child.

"Don't I at least get a 'good night'?"

Iruka stopped and looked over his shoulder. "I would have said it to you at the bar, but you looked pretty busy with that brunette."

_ I have no right to say that. I don't even know what the situation is here, let alone whether it's mutually exclusive or not. Of course, it probably is on my part._

He turned and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, forget I said that. Good-night, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi pulled down his mask and grinned. "That wasn't the 'good-night' I was looking for, Iruka-sensei."

"Kakashi-sensei…we shouldn't…any more…I don't think.."

"You don't want to?"

"Oh, no, not that, it's just…er…"

"So you do want to." He said, and pressed his lips gently against Iruka's, silencing his tongue. Iruka broke from the kiss after a few admittedly enjoyable moments, shuffling uneasily and then looking Kakashi in the eye with the sense of a man who'd managed to pull himself together against the odds.

"What is this?"

Kakashi gave him a puzzled look.

"This thing between us." He said, looking down at his feet. "I have no idea where I stand with you."

_ What is this?_

"You know where you stand." Kakashi laughed, leaning in again. Iruka stopped him.

"No, I don't. I don't know what you want from me, I don't know what you want from this…this…arrangement?" He shrugged and looked away. "I don't even know what I want."

_** What is this?**_

Kakashi put a cool palm to Iruka's soft, warm cheek.

"I don't know what it is between us." He said, lips hovering over Iruka's. "But I know I can't seem to get enough of you, Iruka-sensei. I had a date tonight; that woman you saw me with, but that wasn't where I wanted to be. Once you came in the bar you were all I was interested in. I can't explain why you have this hold over me, but against my better judgement I want to keep doing this. All I know is that when I'm with you I feel alive…"

_** I feel.**_

_** I'm not supposed to feel.**_

Kakashi's body stiffened, and his hand dropped from Iruka's cheek.

** Fuck.**

"Kakashi-sensei?"

Iruka lifted some strands of hair covering Kakashi's face, but the man drew back, and they hid him again.

"I have to go. Good-night." He said, emotionless and avoiding eye-contact.

"Wai..why?" Iruka asked, but Kakashi was already onto the rooftop. "Kakashi-sensei?" He yelled after him, exasperated. With a few bounds, the jounin was gone, leaving behind a confused and frustrated Iruka.

_** I am a shinobi. A soul-less tool for use at the whim of the village. I am dead within; a moving vessel capable only of inflicting pain and death. That's all I am needed for. That's all I am good for. But you…you who know nothing of my life, how can you ask this of me? I feel no fear because it clouds my judgement. I feel no grief because it clouds my judgement. I feel no ****love because it clouds my judgement. I don't suffer, because I feel nothing. If you make me feel, you make me suffer. And for what? Your affection? It's easy for you, living every day the same, laughing and smiling with those you have allowed to mean something to you. You could not possibly understand the hardships of my life. You make it seem as though it's simple, but for me it would be impossible. I have never feared anything. Unnecessary baggage. But I am afraid now, of what you might do to me. I allowed you to get too close, so fast I didn't even see it coming. I barely know you, but I am afraid it might be you that breaks me. **A person like me can never understand a gentle soul like you. You feel like blissful sunlight, warming dark and frozen parts of me **that should not thaw, but stay dead and forgotten. My mind, my heart, I need to keep them just so. It is how I survive, and survival is the only thing that's important. Everything else in life is unnecessary. I couldn't handle it if you became necessary. If I opened my heart, my soul to you…I don't know how to deal with 'happiness'.** But do I not deserve it? Do I not deserve to bask in that light after so many years of neglect and repressed loneliness? Do I not deserve a lover with such tenderness? Perhaps I want it. **Impossible. **Perhaps I want to abandon the self I know now and become useless but feeling. Can a shinobi become human? I am only so much, and I have nothing to offer in return. Teach me the warmth of your soul, Iruka-sensei, and fill me with it._

_ Not now. Please, not now.** 'Happiness', 'love', unnecessary hindrances. It has been decided for me, so it seems. This is something I cannot refuse.**_

-b-

Iruka fidgeted from foot to foot, rubbing over the folds in the note before opening it again and straining to re-read it for the umpteenth time in the low light of the lakeside bank. He ushered a firefly away from his face with an impatient hand. The place was teeming with them, flitting about and courting under the light of the full moon. He hadn't misread the details last time, or the time before that, this was definitely the right place, the right time. The calm waters looked inviting in the balmy heat of the summer evening as Iruka wondered whether Kakashi would show or not, or if the note was even from him in the first place.

_ How long should I wait? He's 10 minutes late already, but it is Kakashi and he's never on time for anything. I'm surprised he even wants to see me after last time, whatever that was._

Kakahsi emerged from the forest and walked to him. "Sorry I'm late, Iruka-sensei."

Iruka shrugged, fighting back the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I don't mind. It's beautiful out here." He replied, looking out at the still lake and the dancing fireflies. Kakashi watched the light reflected from the lake play softly across Iruka's face.

"Listen, I'm sorry about...my head was in a weird place, that's all."

Iruka looked down and gave a small laugh, before meeting Kakashi's gaze. "Isn't your head always in a weird place? Or a perverted one." He added, with a sideways grin.

"So mean, Iruka-sensei." Kakshi sighed, placing his hands in his pockets.

They stood silently together for a while, taking in the scenery.

"That question you asked me." Kakashi muttered finally, playing a sandal through the long grass and disturbing a few fireflies.

Iruka turned to him. "Hmm?"

"About where we stand, with each other."

"Yeah."

There was another pause.

"I don't think…maybe under different circumstances…"

Iruka's face fell. "I see," He said.

Kakashi took his hand and squeezed it gently. Iruka squeezed back.

"I'm afraid I might fall in love with you." He said, watching the other man's cheeks blush and his eyes widen. "And I can't afford to do that. I can't allow myself to soften."

"Isn't it said that people fight better with something close to their hearts?"

Kakashi considered this, and smiled as he pulled down his mask.

"Perhaps. But it prevents them from taking risks." He looked at the hand holding his, with a sudden ache of sadness. "I need to be prepared to give my life for Konoha at any moment, and one day I will die on the battlefield. It is better that you don't waste your love on someone like me."

"That's my choice to make. Don't you think that's something I've thought about? I know that pain too well from when my parents died, but I would never have chosen not to love them over getting hurt!"

"That's different. You can't choose your parents, but you can choose your lovers."

Iruka looked away, slipping the note into his pocket. Kakashi touched his forehead to Iruka's, making a soft clean sound as metal touched metal.

"I have to leave, Iruka-sensei." He whispered. Iruka was silent for a while, the only sound the gentle hum of the fireflies. "A mission. It's indefinite."

"Perhaps it won't take as long as you think. Maybe only a couple of years…?" Iruka said, hopefully.

"It's indefinite as in I'm not expected to return."

It took a moment to sink in.

"When do you leave?"

"Now."

Kakashi drank in Iruka's moonlit face, crystallising each moment, each touch and scent.

"I wanted to see you one last time before I left."

A tear fell down Iruka's cheek, and he brushed it away with his sleeve quickly in embarrassment. As Kakashi kissed him, he was no longer able to hold them back, and they streamed down in hot trails.

"Stay a little longer." He begged, pulling at Kakashi's vest. A sad smile spread across Kakashi's features as he brushed away tears from Iruka's face and chin.

"I'm so sorry, Iruka-sensei. I never deserved someone like you." He pulled the chuunin in close, and held him tight as the small lights danced around them, oblivious. "I won't forget you." He whispered.

Iruka buried his face in Kakashi's shoulder. "I could never forget you." He managed.

Kakashi loosened his grip and the embrace dissolved slowly. They kissed one last time, and the jounin turned to the dark of the forest. Iruka watched until he could no longer make out Kakashi's shape against the gloom before falling to his knees and burying his face in his hands amongst the fireflies in the warm grass, body racked with sobs.

Kakashi fought back the powerful unfamiliar emotion by digging his fingernails into his palms as he jumped through the forest canopy, but the hot tears betrayed him and soaked into his mask until it was wet.

_ Goodbye, Iruka-sensei._

_-_b_-_

The first sensation was cold. The second, wet.

They kept coming one after another, slowly filtering into his mind and revitalising his senses. They were on his face, in his mouth, on his palms. Horizontal, why? Opening eyes; one is tired and makes the world look strange. Rain. Cold. He tried to remember something, anything. Nothing would come. He tried to move, but pain racked his body and forced him to remain still. He moved his head slightly to the side, watching as red water flowed past him. Red…from blood? At that point he knew he was dying, and dredged his fractured mind for a memory to hold on to before he slipped from consciousness again. No images, but a word burst through and demanded to be known. No, a name. He repeated it over and over in his mind, trying to remember things associated with it. Why was it so important? It felt like silk, but he knew it wasn't his own name. The world began to darken, but he refused to die until he could remember who the name belonged to, reaching desperately for its meaning.

A blurred face appeared in his vision, its lips moving but making no sound he could detect. Was this the face that belonged to the name? He reached a weary hand up to touch the face, straining against the pain in his lungs and chest to whisper it.

"_Iruka?_"

The woman scrutinised him through narrowed eyes, making him feel a deep sense of unease.

"You shouldn't be alive, you know." She said.

He looked over in her direction as much as he was able. "Thanks."

She ignored his sarcasm and set about prodding him in various locations.

"What's the last thing you remember?" She asked.

He shifted uncomfortably in the bed as she examined his wounds.

"Nothing important…being at the baths…getting a date…and then waking up having no idea how I got into this state."

"Do you remember who I am?" She said as she continued the examination

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"What day do you think it is, Kakashi?"

He paused to think about it.

"I have no idea." He admitted. "Mid-June?"

"You're about seven months out."

He stared at her. She finished the examination and sighed as she sat heavily into a chair by his bed.

"Six months ago I asked you to go alone on a mission I needed to keep secret at all costs. I told you that there was a very high risk that you wouldn't be coming back, but you still accepted it, as I knew you would." She smiled. "But as a fail-safe, in case you didn't die, I sealed your mind – with your approval – so that if things went wrong and you were left alive, the memories of the mission would be wiped out. Then if you fell into enemy hands, they couldn't draw the information out of you by any means. It seems the seal took out a bit more of your memory than I meant it to, but I guess that doesn't matter."

Tsunade stood and moved in the direction of the door, turning to add something.

"When I said you shouldn't be alive, I meant that we almost lost you twice during the transport and the procedure. You were very determined not to die. You should be able to continue your recovery at home in a couple of days."

As she left the room and turned into the hallway Iruka passed her with a polite smile and a bow. She continued for a few steps and then leaned against the wall to eavesdrop discreetly, calling to mind the conversation she'd had with the head of the medical team that had recovered him.

_ "Were you seen?"_

_ "No, ma'am."_

_ "Good. Is there anything else?"_

_ "Well...when we first arrived he was conscious; he reached up to my face and called me 'Iruka', but I guess he was delirious from blood loss so it's not significant."_

Iruka gave Kakashi a broad smile as he entered the room.

"I heard you were finally awake." His face became more concerned as he noticed the condition of Kakashi's body. "How are you feeling?"

"Iruka –sensei?" Kakashi gave the other man a look of surprise. Seeing him provoked an unexpectedly warm feeling. "I wouldn't have expected to get a visit from you."

"Oh, why not?"

"We don't really know each other that well, do we? Not that I don't appreciate the thought."

Iruka stared at him for a while, wearing a very confused and hurt expression.

"Right. You're right. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Please get some rest."

"No, wait! I didn't mean…you can stay!" Kakashi reached in Iruka's direction, wincing as his body reminded him of its condition.

Iruka's face was sad as he turned into the corridor, but he forced it to lift into a polite smile again as he passed Tsunade. She watched him go, then followed him outside.

"Did you notice?" She called after him.

Iruka turned to her, mystified.

"The memory loss." She prompted, studying Iruka's features. "He's forgotten everything between now and seven months ago." She watched as he did the maths, almost managing to conceal his disappointment.

He smiled. "That's a lot of time to lose. Good day, Hokage-sama." He said simply, excusing himself with a small bow.

_ Gone. All turned to dust. Shared experiences so precious to me, now forgotten by you. I should have given up on you when you left, it would have saved me from this pain. But things are never that easy. I think I loved you even before you kissed me that night in the classroom. I wish I could stop…I want to be with you so badly I ache. You were the one that stirred my soul; the cause of my sexual awakening. And if I have nothing else at least I have that. I bet you wouldn't believe me if I told you what happened, and it would be awkward and unfair to do so when you wanted to bring it to an end anyway. I was so happy when I heard you'd come back, it was more than I could have hoped for. I am glad that you're here, that you're safe, at least for now even if we never get to be together again. I'll just have to go back to loving you the way I used to; from a distance._

He felt like a huge part of him was missing, though his body was whole. Something important. Something that wanted to be remembered, but couldn't reach him. Every time he felt like he was close it would slip away like the warm breeze through his fingers. He wondered if it was something from the mission, a vital fact that had been erased, but whatever it was felt older than that. Before the mission. Suddenly he was back there, lying in the rain-drenched road, beaten and broken and trying to cling to life. There was something he'd remembered there that was important, something that had given him the will to live, but he couldn't summon it. He thrust a frustrated hand towards the dark skies, ignoring the searing pain in his arm, begging the heavens to make him whole again.

Then the muddied ground swallowed him up, regurgitating him in the dark amongst warm grasses and forest trees. Something about the place was familiar, and he realised it was part of the forests that lay on the boundaries of Konoha. He ran his fingers through the soft grass, relieved to be free of the pain he'd felt before, and wondered why his mind had brought him to this place. The feel of the grass between his fingers changed and became softer, finer. He watched it become something more like hair, mid-length and chestnut-brown. He wondered if what was missing was another person, but that couldn't be right. He lay stroking the hair until he noticed the distant twinkling of lights through the trees. They seemed to be calling to him and he began to run towards them, hoping that they might finally hold the answer he was looking for but as he ran they grew dimmer and eventually disappeared altogether. He stopped and let out a frustrated cry, cursing the dark forest that had swallowed the thing he was looking for.

Then he woke, entangled in his bed sheets and drenched in sweat.

_ Soft chestnut-brown hair,_ He thought to himself wearily.

It had been a couple of weeks since his discharge from hospital, and Kakashi was beginning to tire of being polite to endless well-wishers. Now, if they were lucky they'd get a word or two, but mostly he just smiled and nodded or tried to stay out of their way altogether. He supposed he should be thankful that so many people were happy about his return and recovery. It was a glorious day, and he looked up to admire the clear blue sky, colliding with an absent-minded shopper as he turned a street corner.

"Idiot! Watch where you're go…Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi looked up from the dropped fruit on the street into the blushed face of the teacher who'd paid him an unexpected visit in hospital.

His tone changed completely. "Sorry for bumping into you like that. Did I hurt you?" He placed a free hand on Kakashi's chest, then pulled it back quickly, attempting to laugh off the embarrassment flushing his cheeks.

"Your fruit, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi said, picking the items from the ground.

"Oh yes, right."

The jounin placed them back in the shopping bags they'd escaped from, and then turned to Iruka.

"How come you didn't come back to visit me?" He asked.

Iruka gave him a blank look. "I thought you thought it was weird."

"It was just unexpected, I never thought it was 'weird'. I enjoy your company." He smiled.

"How…How are you doing, anyway?"

"I'm healing pretty well. Some of the deeper wounds give me trouble now and again, but it's nothing I'm not used to."

"I heard how they found you."

Kakashi laughed. "Tsunade-sama tells me I should be dead."

Iruka laughed nervously. "I'm glad you're OK." He said to Kakashi's vest.

"Still a bit of a way to go, but thanks."

After Iruka bade him farefell, Kakashi watched him go, wondering why his heart was pounding so fast.

"What do you remember from our first date? Well, I guess this is the first date for you." She smiled.

"Nothing at all, I'm afraid. I remember meeting you and asking you out, but that's all."

She snorted and set her bottle down on the bar table.

"Well, we were in here, over there in the booth, very nice atmosphere…"

_ She's brunette, mid-length hair, but not quite chestnut…and this doesn't feel right at all._

"…and then I think you stopped listening to me…"

_ Did I meet someone during the mission?_

"…and you went over to talk to one of your idiot friends at the bar while I was left with some lunatic that kept telling me I smelled nice…"

_ Or was it someone else here in Konoha?_

"…and you're doing it again aren't you? You're not listening to a word I'm saying…"

_ Who else?_

"…why do I keep ending up with men like you? There are plenty of nice men, why don't I pick them?"

He noticed she was staring at him for a response.

"Yeah."

She sucked air in through her teeth, stood, and stormed out of the bar.

He had remembered someone. That was why the road was important.

Again, the rain chilled and soaked his skin as the pain coursed through his shattered body, but he felt it might be worth it. It was here, somewhere amongst the broken parts of his mind; a fragment of someone that had meant enough to him to be remembered as he died. He screwed his eyes shut against the pelting rain and forced himself to think back, and then it came to him.

A name. He'd remembered a name.

The ground opened up beneath him and he fell away from it, landing hard in the forest he'd appeared in before. He punched a fist into the ground in frustration, knowing he had been so close. He noticed the lights shimmering through the trees and got up to move in their direction, but the grass tangled round his legs and brought him back down to the forest floor. He tried to kick them off, but they wound tighter, beginning to engulf his whole body. Tears pricked his eyes as he watched the dancing lights moving away, and in a last desperate attempt summoned enough strength to free himself from the tendrils. The pain returned to his body but he ignored it, running as fast as he was able towards the lights, confused at why parts of his mind were holding him back. The dancing glows moved through the trees to meet him, multiplying and surrounding him in still, blissful warmth, deadening the pain in his body. For a moment there was nothing but ecstasy, and then he was back in the dream he'd had a thousand times before, turning back from the mission, speeding through the forest and back to the lake. He broke free of the forest cover and ran to the figure sobbing by the lakeside, pulling him to his feet, brushing away his tears and kissing him deeply.

_ Iruka_.

That was the name he'd remembered.

As he woke, Kakashi remembered with a rush of tangled emotions all the things that had passed between them. He wondered if the things he'd remembered might just have been part of the dream, but they seemed too real.

-b-

The heavy rain drenched Konoha, running off the roofs of city houses in miniature waterfalls and collecting in vast puddles in the streets.

Even the hardiest drinkers had decided that it was better to spend the night indoors. The clouds had blocked out what little light the moon had to offer, cloaking the streets in darkness. Kakashi couldn't recall how long he'd been standing out in it, alone with his thoughts. He had only intended to take a short walk, but somehow his feet had brought him to this place. Somewhere a door slammed, followed by the splashes of quickened footsteps in fallen rainwater. Someone called his name, and he looked up to see Iruka hurrying towards him, ducking through the pelting rain.

"What are you doing out here? You're soaked through!"

"I remembered, Iruka-sensei."

Iruka looked up into Kakashi's weary face.

"I remembered you." He repeated, reaching out a hand to touch the scar running across Iruka's nose.

Iruka took his hand and held it tight, surrounding it with warmth.

"You're freezing! Please come inside."

"Tell me I didn't dream it,"

"Dream what?"

Kakashi leaned in and pressed his lips to Iruka's, melting at the feel of his hot tongue. Both of them forgot the rain.

"Please come inside," Iruka told him again, and he nodded in agreement.

As the door closed behind them they kissed again in the entrance, kicking off sandals and paying no mind to the water dripping from their bodies and pooling on the floor.

"Why didn't you say anything? I've been back for over a month, why didn't you remind me?"

"Before you left you made it clear that you wanted to end it, so what would have been the point?"

"I'm an idiot, please never pay any attention to what I say. I was just emotionally inexperienced and looking for excuses."

Iruka stepped up from the entrance into the hallway pulling Kakashi with him. They stripped soaked layers from one another and discarded them as they moved towards the bathroom. The jounin pinned his mostly-naked lover against a wall, biting his neck and feeling the heat rush back into his body as the other man shuddered in anticipation.

"What is it that you want from me?" Iruka whispered into his ear.

"I want all of you, or whatever you'll give me." He replied, pressing his cool hands against Iruka's warm body, rediscovering his contours.

"I…I want the same from you,"

"I'm sorry I left you." Kakashi breathed, pushing off the man's remaining clothes. "There wasn't a day when I didn't regret it."

Iruka arched his back as Kakashi slid a finger between his buttocks. "It was the right thing to do. I never resented you for it."

"I've come to realise that there are some things in life that are more important than missions."

Iruka's hands slipped down to pleasure Kakashi's erection as he continued.

"Things that mean more than you ever expected them to, things that give meaning to existence. I thought that whenever I died I'd do so without regret, protecting Konoha. But I regret refusing to fall in love with you, and I'm not going to waste this second chance, Iruka-sensei."

Kakashi grabbed Iruka's thighs forcibly, and hoisted him up against the wall. The other man locked his legs around the jounin's waist and held his shoulders tightly. Kakashi held him there and looked into his eyes with conviction.

"Before you I was numb…I have no idea what it'll do to me, but I'm ready. I'm not afraid to need you any more. I know I'm asking a lot, but please love me back."

"I think I already do." Iruka whispered into Kakashi's lips as he was carried to the bedroom.

The pools of water in the entrance way and the hall had dried completely before they eventually showered.


End file.
